It took me about twelve years to accept that I have another entity in my head, even if he originated from me. When I started to become more aware of his thoughts and feelings and what he does with this body, I thought I was going insane. I had thoughts and feelings that didn't seem to be attached to this consciousness or what was going on around me, I sometimes did and said things but couldn't control myself, and things were just really confusing or disorientating to me. Once I finally faced the truth and admitted that I am a multiple, a lot of things made much more sense to me, and I realized I wasn't as mad as I thought I was, and I can actually work with it to improve my life. It's a lot less confusing, too.

I do think we come to a unified agreement or consesus about things that are going on outside of us or what we think and feel about things. We may have slightly different thoughts and feelings after that agreement is made, but that is basically what we think as a collective and tell others. I'm not sure who has more power in the process. It may vary on the subject matter and how convincing which one of us is on something. I've been a lot more short-sighted than my other half so he may have more convincing arguements on different subjects right now. I think we've come to the agreement that about one or two of our old friends were ok, but a lot of them were either prejudiced against what I am, had some kind of serious mental problem, or both, and it became too much for us to handle and it's better off that we don't talk to them. I was kinda very short-sighted on it, so in this matter, my other half is more convincing. I think he's also been more convincing on the matter that my friend had changed for the worse and that it may be time to go and let her do whatever she wants without getting ourselves too wrapped up in whatever she is doing. He's made sure that she won't be trying to get us involved in whatever she is doing. I still don't favor his method for doing that since he was kinda being an ass to her, even though she brought the subject up and was making me feel bad with it (thus starting it), but I wasn't listening to him that much in the first place so he took action himself. I guess it happens with being a multiple. I guess it happens with being a dysfunctional mulitple. I guess I should be happy, though, that he does have morals and a kind of code that he lives by instead of me being burdened by a personality that has no morals at all and would do much worse than being an ass to other people. At least he is someone that I can work with because he does have morals and a code.

I guess the process of agreement is at least a first step to becoming less dysfunctional as a multiple. I guess running the whole show without any input from my other half is like putting my other half in a dungeon cell and forcing him to be a prisoner in this body. He has his own roles, functions, and skills to use, and his input is also as valuable as my own. We are a collective entity, after all, and everyone needs to do their job and have their say in what goes on. If I don't give him a way and time to give input, I am also missing out on some valuable information, too, that would be really helpful with making important decisions.

I guess the process of healing mental problems and mind issues is a little bit different for a multiple than it is for someone with a single personality. I find that healing can be more successful if both of us are healed properly and completely instead of just one of us. If only one of us is healed and have let go of the issue, then as a collective entity, we still haven't completely healed and let go of the issue. The half that isn't healed properly will still have problems with it and not handle it well.

Though I guess it also means that I can get help inside of my head if my other half is healed enough to make the attempt be successful. I think my other half may have had some kind of involvement in at least some of my healing dreams and some of the dreams that I got some kind of advice on what to do about something. Though if we're both still hurt enough, then it's much harder to help each other.

I guess there is some kind of process of getting consensus on what I feel and think about something as a collective entity inside of my head when there is a serious disagreement about it with my other half. I may forgive someone if they do something wrong to me while my other half hasn't forgiven them yet. Then, I just kinda run through emotions, and I'll be ok with them one day and dislike them the next. Eventually, we'll move to consensus on it, though that may take a few months or maybe even more time to achieve that. I think I'm kinda coming towards the end of that process with something, and it took about four or five months to do so. Again, I find it a blessing that I am not hosting an outside spirit that has vastly different customs, morals, and ways. It would probably take even longer to come to the end of that process if I was hosting one.

When it came to my enemies who were prejudiced, I could ignore them easily enough. They were people out to make me into their enemy for no real reason I could see, after all, and I kept my distance from them. But then, by chance, I ended up becoming friends with some people who were prejudiced. I didn't know about it until I ended up getting onto the subject of being transgendered and a few other things about a year after I met them. To my shame, I ended up learning that from them and becoming that, too. It wasn't against the same things as they had it against, but I still learned it from them and became what they were. I learned to hate from them, and I hated who and what they were and what they wanted to associate themselves with. I thought I was a better person than that, but I guess it's best to just get it out there with myself as long as I'm going to be honest to myself, completely honest. At least with honesty like that, it is something which can be changed.

Hate has a corroding type of vitality, one which eats up the insides and the mind until someone becomes empty, a hollow shell that looks like that person and may act like that person but which isn't that person in reality. I didn't like even myself when I was consumed by such feelings, and it only seems to block up my mind and doesn't allow for any kind of proper healing. I don't know why humans were made to hate, when such a very, very little amount of animals have the kind of hatred that humans can have. It doesn't do a lot of good for the body, mind, and spirit, too. But then again, nature doesn't always do predictable things which people can understand. It may be one of those things.

It actually makes me feel quite depressed thinking about what I had become from running with the people that I did for so long. I am not proud of what I have done from their influence and the person I had become under their influence and because I wanted someone to like me and make me feel like I matter to them no matter what. I didn't find that with them, and I became a twisted, disgusting creature instead. I became something that was vile, even to myself. Something hateful to others, to be scorned upon, something that actually deserved all the bad things people have done to me over the years.

I do like myself a lot better when I am playing the role and part of being the nice guy. I find it much more fulfilling than being that corrupted being I had become, and I am glad that that corrupted being is starting to disappear bit by bit. I am starting to believe that I am actually worth something as a human being again.

It's probably lucky that I'm not really hosting an outside spirit or being possessed or anything like that. I'm pretty sure that we split off from each other. My other half may have absorbed something from my failed magical experiment in high school, but he still originates from within me. That means that we have similar values, morals, and beliefs. Similar but not necessarily the same. My other half seems to have more of a warrior's code / personality than I do to go along with his function, and there's some things that we both do that seem to cause each other some grief. But being similar in morals, values, and beliefs doesn't cause unnecessary friction between the two of us since people of similar beliefs, values, and morals seem to get along better with each other than people of different beliefs, values, and morals. It makes things go smoother overall.

I guess that's why it also takes longer for me to heal in some cases. I feel the equivalent of what two people feel about something from being a multiple, and sometimes, my feelings and thoughts seriously don't agree with each other about the situation from being a multiple. I think I get into this kind of case where there's serious disagreement less often since my other half and I have similar values, morals, and beliefs. I've seen what happens when we seriously don't agree about something, and I'm glad that it is not common. Like with my friend leaving. I've switched between being deeply sad and disgusted by what my other half was doing to being very angry at her for what she was doing to me and the attitude she was giving me. He's told me more about why he did what he did and what he sees her becoming. I know that he is more or less correct so I guess that helps with having a more unified, stable feeling about the situation. I know part of the reason why he did what he did was also because I wasn't really listening to him in the first place and a lack of proper internal communication. (Hence, why I'm interested in improving that internally and trying to figure out how to improve that. It seems to be a very important aspect of being a multiple.) I guess I still feel sad about the situation, though, and that there could have been a better way to do things to get things done. I guess I feel like, if I had been listening to my other half in the first place, I could at least have said something to her about where she seemed to be going and the path she seemed to be choosing, and there may have been at least a chance for things to have changed in a positive direction instead of going so down south negative. But that is useless thinking to be thinking of other possible ways it may have gone if myself or someone else had done differently since that is not the reality that I am dealing with right now. But the internal disagreement is my own issue as a multiple and not someone else's.

I live in a very individualistic culture. It's basically like the saying "Every man for himself" or the image of the lone cowboy. You are taught and learn how to function as a single individual. As a multiple, I don't think it teaches that well all the skills needed to learn how to survive as a multiple and a collective entity.

I may be learning a few things about that from rpgs. Or at least Japanese-made rpgs, the ones that have a group of individuals working together for the benefit of the collective group. Japan is about in the middle of the individualistic vs collectivistic extremes, with a slight leaning towards collectivism. Collectivism is about how you are defined by your clan / the groups that you are a part of and join and advancing the well-being of the group over the individual, in a very short-handed explanation. Hofstede is the one that talks about this kind of cultural difference stuff.

I've noticed that quite a few of the rpgs tend to have a group of individuals that combine their unique talents, skills, strengths, and weaknesses to survive a battle and different situations and to work towards a single group goal.

I've been playing FF12 lately. I tend to split my 6 characters up into 2 definite groups of 3 (Vaan, Ashe, and Penelope) (Balthier, Basch, and Fran). Vaan and Balthier are the basic money makers in the group. Most monsters don't drop money in this game; they usually only drop loot that can be sold later on. Having a thief character that steals loot from monsters, combined with the loot monsters drop when they die, helps to keep up with the increases in the costs of equipment, magics, and techniques fairly well and definitely a lot better than depending on loot alone that drops from dead monsters. Ashe and Basche are basically my knight characters. They do a decent amount of damage with their swords and axes and have better defense than the rest. Fran and Penelope are my mage characters, and for awhile, they were the only characters that had the bulk of the magics in the group. They are three very different types of characters, but I find that it works out pretty well to have all three types together instead of working as seperate individuals. And they all have their individual personalities and goals, but they are all working towards a single group goal of thrawting the Archardian Empire without too much quarreling between themselves.

I'm thinking that a successful multiple who can function while being a multiple and stay out of trouble as a multiple would be something like that. Go from thinking of themselves as a single individual who has to live as an individual with their own individual goals to thinking of themselves as more of a part of a group collective that is there to put foward a common group goal and work together to achieve that goal. For someone that lives in one of the most individualistic countries in the world, it is quite a bit of a change from what we are taught and quite a bit of a change in one's mindset. I don't think we'll ever really think in an extremely collectivistic way, but I do think it is possible to push it down to mild individualism and mild collectivism in order to work together better. I think we already have a common goal in mind. To improve our lives and our welfare and enrich our lives by staying out of the kind of trouble that we were in and by doing what is best for us in any given situation.

I do think that watching a group work together in an rpg does kinda set up a kind of model on how to think and act more collectively, even if the rpg group in question is several individuals that aren't multiples. I think studying group dynamics, whether it's in real life or among fictional characters, can be very informative to someone who is a multiple, especially one that lives in an individualistic society. I know that I'll probably have to change from thinking as an individual to thinking as being a part of a collective entity internally if I am going to be functional as a multiple. Because as a multiple, I am a part of a collective entity, whether I like it or not, since I share my body with the other half of my personality and I am not alone in it, and we are responsible for each other and what we do with this body and our life and other people. From personal experiences, I really do believe that we are weaker as seperate enttites than as a collective entity or as an integrated personality.

I had a significant memory return. I was uncertain of if something had happened and I blocked the memory of it or if it didn't happen at all. It turns out that it didn't happen at all and that there are no memories because it didn't happen in reality. It still doesn't make up for everything else that he did to me since he still acted very evil towards me.

But with this individual, I think I have at least a little bit of a sense of closure. A few years after he moved to a new school, I heard rumors that he had changed and was no longer causing any more trouble. I guess it gives me a bit of a sense of closure since he's no longer running around hurting other people, unless he's relapsed back into his old self. He's being one less problem to other people on the face of the Earth. I don't think I have as much closure with that on a lot of the other people that I've met who's done great wrong to me. Some of them have moved out of my life so quickly, and I never heard from them again or through rumors so I don't know if they've improved themselves or if they're the same problem to other people that they were being to me. A few of them I tried to change, but they were too stubborn to let go and change at least a little bit for me, become a little bit less prejudiced to what I am for me, so I do not doubt that they are being the same trouble to other people that they were to me. I can say that I tried, but they may be cases too far gone for most people to realistically help them. I can only hope that they aren't preying off of other people again or that their prey is much stronger than what I was. I don't know if I'll ever get a complete sense of closure since I know that they are still out there running loose and probably hurting others. It personally gives me little peace thinking about that.

I'm working to help synchronize and share some resources with the other half of my personality and between us. I've gotten my paranoia and anxiety more under control to where it's not affecting me everyday. I've also been dealing with my baseless, reasonless, and unwarrented excessive guilt. I realize that a lot of it has roots in a religion that I don't intuitively get and which I no longer follow so it seems to be rather senseless to me to keep on dragging around all that guilt baggage from it. Though I will still probably feel guilt where it's actually warrented.

I guess I realized at random last night that I may actually have better mental health than a lot of people that I've seen. I've known that I was different from other people somehow for a good number of years. But maybe it was because I had better mental health than most of the people I was around instead of the other way around. I do believe that part of the reason why evil small and large happens is because people are too messed up in the head to realize what they're doing or they're stopping up their natural empath abilities. (I see true empaths as being very sensitive to emotional energy and absorbing unusually large quantities of it as compared to the rest of us, but I believe that everyone does that to some degree or another.) I've had other people after me for being what I am and even some physical body characteristics. I actually don't understand why some find it so surprising that I would react to them and actually fight back if someone is mistreating me, making me feel like crap, acting with unwarrented or senseless aggression, being rude to me, trying to undermine me, or trying to hurt me in some way. I guess they're used to walking all over people without having them resist them. I guess some people also look at me like I'm an object to be used, not an actual person with my own thoughts, feelings, needs, and wants. Though I suspect quite a few people who were doing that actually had something mentally wrong with them. They don't seem to be making the connection that making people feel like crap may actually get some people to retaliate against them or resist them and that they may actually deserve the retaliation for what they are doing. I also have other reasons for thinking that they had mental problems that interfered with their functioning.

So except for a few minor things and the things I mentioned above, I may actually be more healthy mentally than I was giving myself credit for.

I don't know if this is bad or not, but I actually don't believe someone's claims about how she had been abused from how she talks about abuse and the attitude she's given me about it. I do not doubt that some people have teased her and made fun of her before, but almost everyone has been on the receiving end of that at least sometime in their life. Even I have been teased as a child, and I know the difference between that and something which will disfigure you and deeply affect you mentally, spiritually, or physically for a very long time or the rest of your life. I'm not sure of the reasons why she started to make claims of it, though. I could be wrong about the whole thing. But either way, I don't actually believe her.

I've always thought that politics was a necessary evil, something to be endured but something which is never really pleasant. I've spent a good deal of time ignoring politics, and I don't even know which party is the main liberal party and which one is the main conservative party. I guess I had random insight about an hour ago about why that is.

Any political system has its weaknesses. It was built by humans after all, and humans are not flawless beings. Our political system happens to be one that favors the majority either in number or power. I am, from what I am as a person, a part of many groups that are in the minority in both number and power. In some of those, I am even the minority of the minority. It really doesn't matter to me as an individual with who's in power since it is unlikely to improve my lot in life that much if either party is in power. I have little motivation to get involved since my own needs and wants will be overlooked by the vast majority, and I have no one who will really, really represent me. Maybe if I had an actual voice in the political system, I would care more about it. But as it stands now, most of what I'll learn from politics is how much people hate me based on one trait without really getting to know me as an actual person or judging me on my actual worth as a person. That kind of depression is an unhealthy thing to deal with while I try to recover from my ill health.

I think my mental health has seen some improvement in the past few months.

I'm not as dependent on other people, and I don't really cling to people like I'm completely dependent on them anymore. I hope to continue this since it'll help me if I can actually take care of myself and I don't mold myself into everything else that people want me to be instead of opting to be myself. I think it also helps with keeping my anxiety and paranoia under control if I'm not as dependent on other people, too. I think my friend leaving may have been the catalyst for improvement in this. She was attempting to mold me into being something that I wasn't, and I finally said no to it. I didn't want to end up again where she seemed to be going. And I'm neither Christian nor atheist, and neither am I meant to be one of those things. I also needed different things that she never really considered that I needed and that I was different from her in reality. If she has a problem with any one of those things, that's her problem and not mine.

I guess I'm mostly over what I guess would be called survivor's guilt or something like that. Just baseless and senseless guilt over getting into and surviving situations that would hurt anyone and be detrimental to almost anyone's health. It really wasn't my fault that I had gotten into these situations. The first one came at me and was just there before I knew it, and I was kinda tricked in the second situation since they made themselves out to be better people than what they were in reality with putting on some kind of mask when I met them. They were kinda nice to me at first, and then it took a turn for the worse as they found out I am transgendered and don't mind seeing and treating gays as equals. Anyone could have gotten into that situation, and feeling guilt over having to deal with the afteraffects of it and actually being in the situation doesn't do me any good. I don't think I feel as much guilt over it anymore and that I am different from it and have to deal with different things than most people do because of it. It is not my fault that I am like this from that so no sense feeling guilt over it. I just need to go at my own pace and deal with things one at a time so I don't become so overwhelmed with it that I can't do anything about it. I think researching multiples a bit and coming across something has made me let go of most of the guilt.

I guess I also don't feel as bad that I have partial amnesia, that I don't remember the full details of my past at any one given time, though I have a sense of what happened now. I've read that it's normal for people who have been in situations that I've been in, and the vast majority of them have real memories when they do remember that part of their past. I never really doubted my memories that much when I have them. But I guess dealing with everything that I have seen all at once is a bit too much for my mind to handle right now. Though I still think total forgetting is a bad thing from my own experiences. It hinders the healing process for the mind if you don't remember what caused it to be damaged and how you became the way you are. I was stuck healing the symptoms rather than the actual problems when I forgot most of my past. I think I'm actually healing now that I'm remembering more of my past and what caused me to have such bad problems.

The things I've been reading about surviving and functioning as a multiple is a lot to take in. I think it'll help in the long-run, though. I'm trying to figure out a way to contact and communicate with my other half better and to help fix things. It'll probably take awhile to sort through everything, though, and figure out the best way for communication. I think having an internal guardian is a little bit different from having an external guardian spirit. He can take control of my body and act through it when things start to get really bad instead of just handing out advice for what to do in the physical to change my situation.

I also don't feel as overwhelmed by everything as I used to be. I think that's a good change. It doesn't put me into a depression when I come across something I need to fix inside myself or in my life. I just think that I can do it and that I can change or fix it with effort and time.

Thinking about what I wrote the other day, I guess it is perfectly acceptable to go through a period of some kind of mourning when someone changes, and it seems like their old self has died, because they have changed so much or because they are no longer putting on a mask to fool themselves or others and turn out to be radically different from what they were acting like or telling you. Sometimes, the change is for the better, and I actually like them better after the change. I've seen a friend go from being kinda rough and mostly cursing to settling down and becoming much calmer and ditching the cursing. It was a welcome change to me, and it also inspired me to change myself for the better and improve upon myself a few years ago after I got myself out of some serious trouble that other people had caused. But I've seen much more of people going from being someone that I really like and get along well with to becoming someone that I like less or just completely dislike. Like the friend I mentioned the other day. She was really kinda quiet and kept to herself, and she wasn't that negative. I don't remember her saying much bad things about other people when I met her. She was someone that I could get along with well enough without really feeling bad about it. I realize now that that part of her is dieing out and has been for awhile, and it is not shameful to feel sad to see that side of her go. I lost track of her for a few years, and then we really reconnected again. But she had changed somewhat. More outgoing but also getting a bit more into gossip / criticisizing / bad-mouthing others and becoming a bad role model for it. It gave me actual reason to distrust her. It's gotten much worse in about the past year or so, which is part of the reason why I don't miss her half as much as I thought I would after I was done with my mourning for her changing and what was going on. Even though she is still alive and well as far as I know, I still mourned it like a death. I realize now that she is part of the reason why I have been criticisizing and bad-mouthing people, and I realize that a lot I have said in the past was wrong for me to say. I've become a lot less interested in continuing to do that because of how it's affected me and that I realize again that it is essentially negative behavior that can also hurt the self, too, not just others. It's why I am starting to mostly talk about myself again. Though it may be awhile before I can completely change the behavior around. Self-improvement can take some time to accomplish and complete.

But I don't feel bad, anymore, that I kinda went into a period of mourning concerning what my friend was doing and how she had changed. I guess that's a good thing that has come out of looking up things on multiples, even if it's indirect and from my other thoughts with what I've been reading.